by Cina Hoey | Oct 31, 2017 | Blog
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”
-Omar Khayyam
It’s a well-known phenomenon that after major life achievements or reaching a goal that required a significant amount of time and energy, many people experience symptoms of depression. This can manifest as a lack of energy, feelings of sadness or irritation, and other unpleasant emotional states. Maybe you can recall a time in your life, even if you didn’t realize it then, that you fell into a slump after hitting a goal. Here’s why:
1. Striving is exhausting.
2. More importantly, the process feels good.
We clearly live in a goal-directed society. We are getting more and more advanced degrees and certifications, becoming entrepreneurs, striving for growth in all areas of our lives, achieving more, competing for scholarships, promotions, and first place. But, we are neurotically attached to the end goal, which blinds us to the unfolding of the present moment.
A mindful approach to goal-setting encourages us to release our attachments to outcomes. I know, I know, then what is the point, right? But really, what is the point? Do you think you will be finally fulfilled upon completion of this next great obstacle? Maybe. But will that last for always? Definitely not. You will find another goal to work towards to try to reach that same satisfaction factor.
As I mentioned, we expend a lot of energy in the striving. We think once we achieve our goal – graduate with a masters degree, renovate our kitchen, complete a marathon, achieve our ideal weight, land our dream job, meet our soulmate, make more money, or get a hundred likes on our instagram photos – that we will be happier. We think we will be better versions of ourselves. More fulfilled. Solid. Complete.
Research supports that working towards a valued goal generates feelings of well-being. So I want to be very clear that having goals is not a bad thing. Far from it! What I want to encourage is to utilize awareness each step along the way. The setbacks, the sacrifices, the parts that you wish to speed up to get to the “good” part – the end goal. But you can’t plan to have an emotion in the future. So as much as you have convinced yourself that you will be happy once you attain whatever you are working towards, remember that there is no other moment other than this one to experience anything, including joy and fulfillment.
So can you let go? Can you release your expectations, approach this moment and the one after with curiosity, patience, and trust? Can you be where you are without resistance? Without wishing for something to be different? Better? More? If so, you cracked the code. Happiness isn’t about getting everything you want or arranging your existence in a particular way that suits you. It’s about being with this moment, and this one, and this one, just as it is. Open, inviting, curious.
So set your goals and work towards them understanding that this is where you are today. “This is where I am today” is one of my most favorite things to say to myself. I will leave you with some wisdom from the great Lao Tzu, an ancient Chinese philosopher, who encourages an attitude of non-striving, which I will speak more about in a later post.
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
You ruin what was almost ripe.
-Tao te Ching
Enjoy the process, because that’s all there is.
by Cina Hoey | Oct 15, 2017 | Blog
A common misconception is that meditation brings nothing but peace and deep relaxation. Although this is certainly possible and even common, when we practice mindfulness meditation, a blissful mental vacation is not the goal. Our intention is to see clearly what is present and meet that with kind acceptance, even if what is present is anger, which has often been the case for me lately.
Acceptance has been my companion for decades. I’ve felt powerless as I lost family members and repeatedly readjusted, coped, and kept on swimming. While attending a silent meditation retreat recently, I realized how pissed I was about this. I watched my thoughts running through this inner story that after experiencing multiple traumas in my life and persevering, I was entitled to inner peace. As if I should not have to endure any more stress or accept anything else I don’t want to. Like I should have hit an acceptance threshold or met an acceptance deductible, then the meditation fairies would grant me the right to orchestrate the rest of my life in a way that would generate maximum pleasure, minimum pain. Turns out, my friends, it doesn’t work that way. Any sort of control is an illusion and all emotional states are temporary, which means peace will come and go, as will suffering.
I don’t want to scare you into thinking that meditation is dangerous – it is true that you don’t know what you will find in the recesses of your mind when you pay close attention. But although meditation broke me apart, it also put me together again, because a non-negotiable part of this game is kindness. My meditation practice, my breath, my own internal support system that has been strengthened through consistent practice, held me and supported me as I faced this part of myself I had hoped to keep hidden with other psychological pests like jealousy, greed, and shame. It had my back as I dropped the story and watched anger transform into grief and sadness, for which I offered myself compassion, understanding, and tenderness.
In effort to remain genuine, authentic, and honest – I must admit it took some serious effort on my part to generate self-compassion towards my anger. It is SO easy to sink into self-judgment if I am not happy, positive, upbeat, and peaceful as a “good” therapist should be. Therapist or not, I suffer from the same dis-ease as the rest of us – humanity.
You will hear me repeat again and again to bow to everything in your inner experience as a teacher. My anger is a teacher. All emotions, sensations, and distractions are just something else to “work with.” All of these mind states and experiences can offer valuable insight and opportunities for growth. The gifts of mindfulness are endless.
We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact,
we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us.
-Charlotte Joko Beck
Be happy, be angry, be however you are in this moment, just be aware of it.
by Cina Hoey | Oct 3, 2017 | Blog
Have you ever played the game Spin the Dreidel? I’m not Jewish, but I’ve spun a dreidel or two. While spinning very quickly, they are like mini tornadoes – powerful, balanced, and sort of mesmerizing. Then they start to slow down and get wobbly until they finally just stop spinning altogether and fall over.
I think people are like dreidels. I know I am. I operate better at full-speed. If I don’t have a long to-do list or I have too much free time – when I stop spinning – I (metaphorically) fall over. Totally lose my balance. I overeat, undersleep, and neglect my meditation practice and the people in my life that care about me. Hurricane Irma hit South Florida a few weeks ago, and we were all forced to do just this. Stop spinning – working, communicating, traveling, netflixing, etc. Many of us lost power, couldn’t go to work, experienced damage to our homes and routines, and we have been scrambling to get our momentum back ever since.
I’ve discussed getting ahead by standing still because I truly feel it is essential to health and well-being. I believe we can all benefit from stillness each day through a formal meditation practice – but this is different. This is the ability to be still even without meditating. When I first started meditating I liked it because it felt like I was “doing” something. It was another goal to achieve, another item I could add to my day to really pack it all in and feel productive. If you’ve been practicing meditation long enough, you realize that is counterproductive to stillness and ease.
We must also be able to be uncomfortable in stillness. We practice the skills of allowing and letting be while we are in meditation so that during our lives we can easily recognize the unease and tension that arises throughout daily life and can respond with wisdom and compassion.
So what should you do when you realize you’re a momentum-less dreidel? When you stop spinning, freak out, and fall over?
Realize you’re knocked down
Understand the temporary and passing nature of the disruption – everything is temporary – especially the times when we feel flattened and out of control
Be compassionate with yourself
Get back on track when you can – you do this by engaging in whatever helps you to restore your equilibrium – meditation, writing, music, cooking, gardening, reading, exercising, eating well, spending time with loved ones, etc.
Know that this will happen many more times in your life!
Mindfulness is always the first step! Become aware of the discomfort and the possible harmful thought and behavior patterns starting to surface as a way to cope with distress.
Compassion is non-negotiable and becomes easier when you realize that you are just a product of the world you are a part of. The spinning has become our normal. The relentless pursuit of success and achievement. The busy life, multiple jobs, obligations, relationships, interests, and entertainment. It really just feels unnatural to have nothing to do for many of us.
And finally, remember the words of Socrates,
“Beware the barenness of a busy life.”
by Cina Hoey | Mar 25, 2017 | Blog
No one loves to plan more than me. My days are sometimes strategically arranged down to the minute. Working as a school social worker, having a private practice, and teaching meditation workshops make up a pretty full work week. If you’re anything like me, you have probably wished for either more time or a shorter to-do list.
My challenge has always been fitting in the things I enjoy, nurturing meaningful relationships, and making enough time for self-care – and sleep! I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they desperately wanted to add meditation into their life, there was just this one obstacle…time.
Laura Vanderkam says we have time for what we make time for and Arianna Huffington devotes a chapter to the modern epidemic of “time famine” in her book Thrive. “Time famine,” coined by Harvard Professor Leslie Perlow, demonstrates our society’s obsession with not having enough time for everything we feel we must do. Many of us possess this attitude, causing stress and anxiety to build up.
In order to counter this fear of the limitations of time, we must actually take a time-out. Stand still for a moment. Relax, enjoy, savor, recharge. There are 24 hours in a day. That’s 1,440 minutes. If you tell me you can’t find at least 10 to sit in stillness, I will say that you need 20. The clock isn’t the enemy. We have demonized time – like it’s intentionally working against us. It isn’t, we just need to shift our perspective and our priorities, because I know most of us have no problem wasting 15 minutes scrolling through our social media news feeds.
We are obsessed with getting ahead and getting things done. We find it nearly impossible to let it go and let it be. We are afraid we will fall behind, miss something, or lose the race, but by not taking time to sit and connect with ourselves we are completely missing the moment. Life is a string of moments, nothing else. That’s probably on a Hallmark card somewhere and it sounds cheesy, but it is true. Thich Nhat Hahn (I’m really name dropping a lot today) says we excel at preparing to live, however, we’re not so good at actually living. We plan and rush and fix and burn the midnight oil because we think it will bring us happiness, contentment, security, or accomplishment at some point. But what happens when we get there? A whole new race begins.
I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. I am very passionate about my work and there is always something I could be doing. Writing, reading, marketing, planning, etc. It takes mindful awareness on my part when I am pushing my limits. This is one of the ways we create balance in our lives. Mindfulness of our emotional and physical state is always step one. Know yourself, but most importantly, respect yourself.
Think about the next few days. How much of your time do you have devoted to experiencing joy, nurturing your heart, mind, and soul? Now how much time do you have devoted to what you think you “have to” do? Obligations, work, commitments, etc.
It’s completely ironic that we think by stopping to take the time to do things we enjoy – go for a bike ride, watch a sunset, have dinner with a friend, meditate – we will somehow be falling behind. That’s not life. That’s speed-racing to the finish line, which, by the way, is death. Trust me, we will all get there someday, what’s the hurry? What are we rushing for? Where do we think we are going? As soon as we check off everything on our to-do list, we will have a new one by the end of the day. Our relationships are suffering, our health is at-risk, and we’re operating on a robotic autopilot, yet we’re still hesitant to make a change. It’s like we’re being given a magical solution to all of our troubles and we’re skeptical about it. “Peace and joy? Sounds risky. I think I’d rather continue getting 4 hours of sleep per night and feeling irritated.” Taking the time to reconnect with ourselves and the peace that resides within each of us is no longer optional but essential.
This week try to spend just 10 minutes each day (out of 1,440!) in stillness. Find a guided meditation on YouTube, sit on a park bench, download one of the many apps to aid in learning meditation, or follow these basic instructions.
Do this for a week straight and see how it impacts your life. I have a sneaking suspicion you will not regret your time spent meditating, only that you didn’t start incorporating this ancient, life-enhancing practice into your routine sooner.
by Cina Hoey | Mar 13, 2017 | Blog
“…meditation, properly performed, prepares you to meet the ups and downs of existence. It reduces your tension, fear, and worry. Restlessness recedes and passion moderates. Things begin to fall into place, and your life becomes a glide instead of a struggle.”
– Bhante Gunaratana, Mindfulness in Plain English
People often tell me that they would love to start meditating, but are not quite sure how to begin. There was a great article in the New York Times recently on developing a meditation practice, but I will give you a brief overview of mindfulness meditation here if it is new to you.
I want to begin by clearing up the most common misconception – that you have to completely clear your mind and get rid of all thoughts in order to meditate properly. This could not be further from the truth. Even Buddhist monks would agree that this is simply not possible. What makes us a unique species is our capacity for intelligence, emotion, and thought. Our brains are working constantly, which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we are at the top of the food chain, we make new advancements daily, and we continue to evolve, change, and grow. A curse because when we sit down to meditate, our minds don’t shut up!
No worries. Release any expectations you may have. You are about to learn how to let it go and let it be in just a few very simple steps:
Pick a place where you will not be disturbed
Eliminate as many distractions as possible – put your phone on silent, turn off the TV, and if you have a cat (or other pet) that loves to sneak up on you and bite your toes like mine does, you may want to make sure they are not in the room!
Get comfortable
I recommend sitting up straight with folded legs, but any seated posture will do – try to sit upright without leaning back on the seat of the chair or wall behind you – this will help you to stay awake and alert
Try to get in a position that you feel you can sit in for a little while without having to move (discomfort and pain will hinder your concentration)
You may want to invest in a meditation cushion, however any time I find myself cushionless (traveling, at someone elses home, etc.) I usually just snag a cushion off of a couch or chair and put it on the floor. Sitting in a chair is absolutely fine if sitting on the floor is unrealistic for you physically
Pay attention to your breath
Take a few deep breaths and then just begin to breathe naturally
Notice the air going in and out of your body. Notice all sensations associated with breathing. Do not try to control your breath in any way – just notice it – in your chest, belly, throat, nose, etc. Stay with those sensations for as long as you can
Notice what takes your attention away
Distractions are inevitable – just notice the essence of it, any sensation, thought, feeling – and see whether or not you can let it pass easily, like clouds in the sky or leaves on a stream. No judging. Just watching.
Bring your awareness back to the breath
Repeat!
This is it. Breath, distraction, breath, distraction. Meditation, much like the rest of our lives, is the simple act of starting over time and time again. We slip up, get distracted from the moment, and we need to find our footing again. Challenge yourself to do this daily for however long you can. Even one minute a day can be beneficial if that is all you can manage.
Your mind will come up with all sorts of things to distract you – shopping lists, hunger, fantasies, obligations, memories, and so on. Do not be alarmed, we are blessed to have such active imaginations. Every distraction is an opportunity to wake up. To come back. To begin again. Just keep bringing the attention back to the breath. I will talk more about how to handle distractions in a later post.
This is a very brief and basic overview of breath meditation. There are many different ways to meditate, different objects to focus on, this is only one. Find what works for you and fit it in when you can. Remember, the length of the meditation is not your main concern – even one minute is better than no minutes!
Good Luck!
by Cina Hoey | Mar 6, 2017 | Blog
I was raised to be “tough.” My Irish/Italian, New York upbringing lead me to develop a decent amount of attitude and a smart mouth. My big brothers made sure that under no circumstances would I allow another person or situation to have any kind of power over me.
Emotional awareness through practicing mindfulness and meditation has lead me to challenge and intentionally unlearn many core beliefs including this idea that physical and mental toughness were more admirable qualities than any kind of vulnerability. It isn’t just my childhood that has contributed to this story; regardless of your geographic location or psychosocial history, many of us abide by this principle.
The idea that we need others to treat us with respect causes us a lot of suffering. We are quick to deliver a colorful comment or hand gesture when someone cuts us off on the parkway. How dare they? We lash out and do not respond well to criticism – or the absolute biggest offense - rejection. We spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to protect our ego.
This predicament perpetuates and even encourages a defensive position, unwilling to let ourselves be distracted even momentarily in fear of the possibility of attack on our delicate self-image. And we absolutely love relaying stories of the time we told so-and-so off. We get high on it.
Why do we do this? So that we do not appear “weak.” Weakness is a first-class offense because of the previously mentioned ideals we have absorbed through previous generations.
“Real strength is not in power, money, or weapons, but in deep, inner peace.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
The idea that any person on the planet does not have weaknesses is completely ludicrous and unrealistic. Working hard to cover up our soft spots will take our entire lifetime because at no point will they ever disappear completely. It can become exhausting and it’s nothing but fear of others seeing us in our psychological birthday suit. Imagine what we were really thinking and feeling was on display? Terrifying! We’ve all been conditioned to cover up anything we feel we may be judged for. It’s easy and second nature at this point. What about a new approach? Soften. Cry. Open up. Let yourself be vulnerable. Be human. This is true strength.
The idea is peace not perfection, right? If not, you’re reading the wrong blog. Get cut off. Let someone flip you the bird. Someone wants to insult your intellect and physical appearance? Go right ahead. Who cares? Some people don’t even realize when they are hurting others because they are too deep into their own pain and delusions. It’s important to remember that anyone that is at peace with themselves does not intentionally hurt others.
Working yourself up over anything is the opposite of experiencing peace. The negative emotions you generate in these situations – jealousy, hatred, anger, etc., are hindrances to the equanimity you desire. Let them be, they will pass. Being able to withstand these feeling states without getting tangled up in them is more of a testament to your character than your ability to “get even.” I am in no way encouraging you to endure abuse, but next time you want to have an aggressive response to an attack on your ego, observe this pattern that you fall into so easily and consider a new approach. Lighten up, life’s not that serious and you’re not that big of a deal. None of us are.
Oh, one last thing – I’m still working on that smart mouth.
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