by Cina Hoey | Nov 3, 2021 | Binge Eating, Blog, emotional eating
The 11th Thing to Give Up if You’re Ready to Stop Binge & Emotional Eating is comparing yourself to others.
We made it babe! This is the last post of this series. If you’ve stuck with me through all 11, go you! And Thank you!
So if you are 100% ready to stop the destructive and exhausting battle with food, you absolutely must stop comparing yourself to others.
There is a quote that I love that says comparison is the thief of joy. I’d like to add to that and say that comparison is also completely delusional.
When I was the thinnest I had ever been in my life, I would bet that some other women would have envied the body that I had. Here’s what those women didn’t know.
I was miserable.
Anxious.
Terrified to eat anything.
And still feeling like my body wasn’t good enough.
You have no idea what kind of relationship that woman has to her body. You have no idea if she’s starving, critical, and anxious or if she’s truly at peace in her skin. To be clear, I’ll take peace in a bigger body over misery in a smaller body every. single. time.
Additionally, when you hit your goal weight you are not automatically provided a unicorn that whisks you off into a magical land where you have no problems. You’re still you. With the same thoughts, the same fears, and the same insecurities.
Yes, I’m being annoying and I know none of you are actually that delusional, but you are delusional if you buy into the “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome.
As a psychotherapist that has studied the mind/body connection quite thoroughly, I can tell you that the “I’ll be happy when…” game is a losing one. Here’s why:
Your body becomes addicted to emotional states the same way it gets addicted to substances. So if you spend years hating your body, comparing it to others, and feeling inadequate and shameful about it, you think weight loss is going to magically make all of those feelings go away?
Nope. Your mind has created some very well-worn neural pathways about criticizing your body and because the mind is efficient and a little lazy, it reproduces the same thoughts repeatedly because it conserves energy to do so. This is why just losing weight will not actually make you feel confident, empowered, sexy, beautiful, or happy.
So basically this means that YOU MUST CHANGE AT THE LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS before anything in your life really changes. This is true about weight, money, relationships, career, spirituality, happiness, anxiety, depression, and more.
I’ve helped enough people through enough problems to know this to be true.
So here is your opportunity to shift your mind and trust me babe, the rest will follow.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop robbing yourself of the joy you could have in the present moment, even if you aren’t at your ideal size right now. What a revolutionary thought! I could actually enjoy myself even if I haven’t lost weight yet!
Comparing yourself to others sets up the shame spiral, which sets up the binge spiral.
You are good enough as you are.
You are good enough as you are.
You are good enough as you are.
As I mentioned in the last post, your thoughts are the ancestors to your behaviors, so more compassionate and kind thoughts about yourself will lead to more compassionate and kind behaviors.
You are powerful beyond measure. You are the key to unlocking this.
Stop comparing yourself to women with completely different DNA, eating habits, and lifestyles than you. Stop comparing yourself to your sisters, friends, co-workers, and random strangers on tiktok.
This is your journey. Own it.
This sums up my 11 Things to Give Up to Stop Binge & Emotional Eating series. THANK YOU for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, and please reach out with questions and comments because I love your feedback! And if you know a babe that needs these messages, please share with them!
All my love,
Cina
P.S. If you are ready to take a deeper dive into this process, please reach out to inquire about individual and group coaching or my in-depth online courses to support you on your journey!
by Cina Hoey | Nov 3, 2021 | Binge Eating, Blog, emotional eating, self-esteem, Shame
The 10th Thing to Give up if You’re Ready to Stop Binge and Emotional Eating is Body Bashing.
You had to know this was coming. The last post was about shaming and criticizing yourself for your actions, and this one is geared towards the way you shame and criticize your body.
Here are some examples I’ve heard inside my own head and from my clients…
- “I’m so disgusting”
- “I hate my stomach”
- “My arms are so flabby”
- “I’m a fat cow”
- “My thighs are humongous”
- “I just wish I could lose ____ lbs.”
- “My body is so gross”
- “I’ve really let myself go”
- “My body is deformed”
You learned from your last lesson that shame and doubt lead to self-destructive behaviors like binge eating. Why would you take care of a body you hated?
When you body shame yourself, you are less likely to follow that up with mindful and supportive food choices.
When you body shame yourself you are less likely to practice self-care.
When you body shame yourself, you give others permission to do the same.
When you body shame yourself, you eat to deal with the stress of hating your body.
When you body shame yourself, you dissociate from it and cannot possibly eat intuitively…
…And this is the biggest threat to your relationship with your body of all. Body shaming only fuels the cycle of eating foods that don’t actually support or feel good in your body because hating it breaks your connection to it.
If we’re dissociated from our body, we can’t hear the body calling for our attention, whether that is to eat or to stop eating, so then we either restrict or over eat, keeping us in the very cycles we are looking to break free from.
I could go on for hours in this post because this is a topic I feel particularly passionate about, and forming a new relationship with your body warrants many, many deeper lessons, most of which are included in-depth in the courses I offer.
For now, know that body shaming has to go if you want to stop binge and emotional eating.
Be on the lookout for the critical voice in your head and do something absolutely outrageous … don’t listen to it.
All my love,
Cina
by Cina Hoey | Nov 3, 2021 | Anxiety, Binge Eating, Blog, emotional eating, self-esteem, Shame
The 9th Things to Give Up if You are Ready to Stop Binge and Emotional Eating are shame & doubt.
I know you’ve been on a million diets and you feel like you’ve “failed,” but the important thing to remember, as I mentioned in post #1, is that DIETS FAIL.
They don’t work, however when you are losing weight you will say, “oh I’m on the ____ diet!” And give it all the credit. But when that weight comes back on you blame yourself. You don’t see the link between the diet and the weight gain. You think YOU’RE the link, when in reality, it’s the diet.
This toxic relationship with food that you’ve been in for a number of years, alongside the horrific social conditioning about how you should look and eat, has led you to forget about the wonderful, worthy being you actually are.
You shame yourself because …
- You’ve lost and gained weight multiple times
- You can’t just eat “healthy” foods
- You love sugary, cheesy, carby foods that aren’t “good” for you
- You binge eat in secret
- You “fell off the wagon” … again
- You binge again after saying “this is the last time”
- You don’t fit in the clothes you used to
- You can’t seem to find a balance with exercise
- You’re the heaviest you’ve ever been
You doubt …
- Your ability to actually follow a program like mine that helps you make peace with food FOREVER
- That peace with food forever even exists for you
- That you won’t become a ravenous beast if unleashed near your favorite foods
- That you can maintain a healthy weight without dieting
- Your ability to show up, learn from, and support yourself
- That anyone would ever accept and love you if they knew how you really acted around food
Why would you treat yourself well, eat balanced, practice self-care, or exercise regularly if you hated yourself and felt like you were an awful, damaged person?
Something I tell my clients repeatedly is that self-criticism leads to self-destruction.
When you are self-critical in one moment, you end up behaving self-destructively in the next. In other words, your binge eating is driven by your critical thoughts about yourself.
When you stop shaming and doubting yourself, and start offering yourself compassion instead, a whole new set of behaviors show up that are in line with your new thoughts about yourself…
…because if self-criticism leads to self-destruction, self-compassion leads to self-care.
Shame leads you to seek perfection, which doesn’t exist, so when you inevitably fail at being perfect (we all do), you have more reasons to attack yourself.
WAKE UP, BABE.
PERFECTION IS NOT REALITY.
OVEREATING DOESN’T DEFINE YOU.
YES PEACE WITH FOOD FOREVER REALLY EXISTS.
YES YOU ARE CAPABLE OF HEALING.
YES YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND COMPASSION EVEN IF YOU ARE A BINGE EATER.
YOU ARE HUMAN. We fuck up. In fact, we are spectacular at fucking up. Are you going to learn from this or just continue to shame spiral?
The shame must go. Own your path. Own your imperfections. Own the fact that you are working on it even if you haven’t quite figured it out yet.
You’re amazing even for reading this blog and CONSIDERING change, because even that is scary.
If you can’t find compassion for yourself right now, borrow mine…
I love you. I see you. I understand you. I honor you. 💕
All my love,
Cina
by Cina Hoey | Jun 10, 2018 | Blog
It’s easy to practice on the “good” days. Or even on the neutral days. Meditation, once part of your routine, is like brushing your teeth, getting dressed, or anything else that you do on a daily basis. But what about on one of those days? Not a bad hair day or when you’re feeling a little cranky. I mean when you’re in what I call the “deep, dark, scary place,” where depression, powerlessness, grief, vulnerability, shame, addiction, fear, or despair leave you feeling like life is a game you’re not very good at.
When we feel this way, we are more likely to skip out on meditation or self-care. Either we simply don’t have enough energy for it, or we don’t care enough. It’s not worth it. We’re not worth it. This is when we need this practice the most. Because, most often, what happens when we sit down and get quiet with ourselves and this (sometimes infuriating) game of life, we notice a few things:
1. Every thought, sensation, and emotion is temporary.
Our mind will be jumping from thing to thing so quick that you might actually forget what it was that you were distressed about in the first place (and then you’ll judge yourself for that). Nothing lasts forever. Not sadness, not happiness, not anger. All is in flux, so if you’re overwhelmed by a certain experience in this moment, just stay with it, because just like a subway train, a new one will come along any minute now.
2. We are capable of observing our mind and body from a safe distance, which allows us to depersonalize the content.
There’s a tremendous difference between being lost in thought and being aware that you are thinking. Sometimes just noticing that we are wrapped up in a thought pattern (usually one that leads to depression or anxiety) is enough to stop it in its tracks and allow us to come to a more open state of mind. When we are aware, we have the choice to dispassionately let go of thought processes that are not serving our highest good.
3. This deeper part of ourselves – awareness – isn’t afraid, anxious, or sad, and it is within this level of consciousness that we can dwell and take refuge.
You are not your thoughts. The real you – the deepest, highest, truest you – is the one that is aware of thoughts. If you know you’re thinking, there absolutely has to be a higher part of yourself that is aware. You’re that. And that part of you is not afraid, sad, or angry. It’s just listening. Not judging. Open. Curious. Observing.
4. There’s something pretty damn comforting about feeling yourself breathing in and out.
Paying attention to the effortless rhythm of our breath reminds us at least something is working in our life, even if it seems like nothing else is. Mindfulness-based interventions teach that as long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you. Breathing is the most essential process of our entire life experience. Pay attention to the rhythm, the ebb and flow, allow yourself to just ride the waves of the breath. It’ll take you home.
This is such a radically different way of caring for yourself than what you’re probably used to. Maybe the thought of “self-care” seems alien to begin with, but generally we do our best to not feel anything negative. We gravitate more towards numbing ourselves with tv, mind-altering substances, food, sex, etc. than responding to pain with presence. One of my favorite techniques I learned from Tara Brach is silently saying to myself, “and now this…” as a way of accepting what’s happening in the present moment without resistance.
Put your inner skills to work! Strengthen them by practicing every day so that you might be more relaxed in traffic, pause before that 3rd glass of wine, or snap on your partner. But mostly, practice so that when the shit really hits the fan, looking within for strength seems like the most natural thing in the world. Practice so that you trust with your whole heart that you’ll come through this any moment now with your soul and sanity intact and with a little more wisdom than you had before.
If no one’s told you yet today, you’re doing okay. Breathe, feel, allow, and be. Who knows what the next moment will bring?
The poem below is always very comforting to me, perhaps someone else will find value in it. Sending anyone reading this post right now a lot of love. Trust yourself, you’ve got this.
The Guest House
By Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
by Cina Hoey | May 14, 2018 | Blog
“I am not what I think I am,
and I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think you think I am.”
– Charles Horton Cooley
This quote really hit me when I came across it a few weeks ago (via the amazing Jay Shetty). Much of our incessant stream of thought is about what others might be thinking… about us.
How often do you choose what you’re wearing, what you say, the pictures you post, the places you go, the partners you pursue, or some type of achievement because of what you would like others to think of you? How someone views us is really a reflection of their personal experiences and past conditioning, which dictates the way they see the world – including you. When you think about it this way, it’s silly to form ideas about yourself based on another’s perception. I think all of us on some level know we have absolutely no control over someone else’s judgment, yet we still try so damn hard to impress each other.
Maybe I’m alone in this, but I seriously doubt it. After many years of disordered eating, I gave up restrictive dieting and gained some weight back. Naturally, thoughts about what those who knew me when I was very thin would think and say were, and often still are, relentless. Without a strong mindfulness practice, namely the ability to observe thoughts without identifying with them, I would still be in a constant anxious and fearful state of mind.
This is exactly how we create our own mental prisons. We hold ourselves to extreme standards in order to feel significant in some way so that we can label ourselves, and hope that others might see as well, that we are smart, funny, hard-working, high-achieving, attractive, or worthy. We want to feel worthy of the good opinions of others. This is completely innocent and even natural to our species, yet I think it takes away from our authenticity, and we cause ourselves a lot of anxiety, depression, and unnecessary stress.
There is no peace in the pursuit of perfection, there is only fear, which is just another word for anxiety.
Are you striving to prove something about yourself? Maybe you don’t struggle with this at all. Maybe you are one of the few people that “don’t care what anyone thinks,” which I have a hard time believing. And for the rest of us normal people, we care a lot about what the world thinks, or at least a select few.
We must do our best to bring our attention to this process, and see how it keeps us stressed, striving to live up to an identity we think will make us feel satisfied and significant. If we can see that clearly, without the need to act on it, and if we can be more committed to living authentically, to loving ourselves and others because we are all in this together, we all might just be a little, or a lot, happier.
May we all remember that we are enough as we are, and that there is a deeper part of ourselves that cannot be damaged or labeled in any conventional way. The essence of who we are is truly perfect.
by Cina Hoey | May 7, 2018 | Blog
An eating disorder. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, but it’s true. For anyone that has struggled with Binge Eating Disorder, or another addictive behavior (drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, shopping, etc.), I feel your pain. And it is this pain for which I am most grateful.
Had I never experienced the personal agony of binge eating, I don’t know that I would have sought for answers and healing with the tenacity that I did. I needed a way out of the mental prison. Without that fire under me, I would not have taken up meditation to learn to tame my wild mind, nor would I have reached into the depths of my being to locate some part of me that was higher and stronger than my addicted self. I would not have read hundreds of books on spirituality, meditation, mindfulness, and personal growth.
It was through this process that I truly started to know my “self” as well as the human mind and it’s habitual tendencies and biases. Through a fierce dedication to a mindfulness practice, I’ve learned how to navigate my inner experience more skillfully and to utilize awareness itself in a way that allows for more peacefulness and eases suffering – the powerful craving for release from present pain.
Without Binge Eating Disorder as a companion for about a decade, as well as other heart-breaking losses and experiences, I wouldn’t have sought truth and a deeper meaning to life. It’s more likely that I would have remained on an auto-pilot mode, thinking everything was “good enough,” going through the motions, like many people do for an entire lifetime.
If you are facing some challenge in your life that you feel is torturous and unfair, I encourage you to embrace it. It is your greatest teacher. It is pushing you to grow and evolve in away that you would not be motivated to had you not had this experience. It is an opportunity. A gift. So if it feels like there is a rope tied around your heart, you can use it to strangle yourself further, or to climb to a new altitude. How you see your circumstances will affect your response. How you respond will affect your life.
Today, I am grateful for the pain that lead me to seek peace. I hope anyone reading this can today, or someday, say the same.
May we be happy, peaceful, and awake.
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